Silver Lining: Diary of Lord El Stinko

Dear Diary:

I was ill these last few days which made being evil and vile a little difficult. Well, actually, I take that back it was harder to be evil, but not necessarily vile. I still vomited all over some people and gave them my highly contagious delightful disease. And if we’re lucky my tapeworms as well!

I also sent a special little package to my mother this week. Won’t she be surprised when she opens it up to find that delicious banana cream pie, little does she know that it’s actually infested with this horrible stomach flu, because I made it myself while I was still sick! Last time the old bat got suspicious when she found that brown box I left her on the front porch with wires poking out of it. She got lucky I guess and called the bomb squad. This time though I shall succeed… Her immune system is weakened in her old age, and I know that she won’t be able to resist the creamy banana goodness within. Her body will be compromised by thousands of tiny microbes, which may just, we can only hope, rid us of the surplus population—if you catch my drift.

You know, you really get to understand who your loyal henchmen are when the mastermind of the operation is sick. The henchmen who really care bring you chicken noodle soup, and read to you at your bedside, and clean the vomit bowl after its been used. I think Eugene is due for a raise. His progress in the last few days has been very impressive, he has pretty much taken control of the situation while I’ve been ill, and he’s been doing a very good job at it. Who knew that he had so much evil potential locked away inside of him? Not only that but he did clean the vomit bowl…

All of this time in bed has given me a lot of time to think, and I’ve been considering going more into the theater. It was my childhood fantasy to one day be a famous actor. So I think I’ll start with something small and work my up. I haven’t quite figured out what I will be doing yet. It has to be something good. Probably involving the destruction of small cute animals…

Although dark clouds of darkness, caused by this horrible illness, have shrouded my life it just goes to show you that my councilor was right: there is a silver lining around every cloud.

Lord Cornelius Sebastian Augustus El Stinko III

Giant Bunny Demon, Monkeys, and Nakedyenas Diary of Lord El Stinko

Today was a very fruitful day. Today we finally were able to upset the environment even more by feeding baby birds cheese, cheese that was brought back from the underworld of course. It would have been very foolish of me—after having summoned that giant bunny demon from the superior realm and forcing it to retrieve the fungus—had I not picked up a greater variety of cheeses from the Curds of Wrath. Naturally it’s always good to have a backup plan, a backup plan that is not as good as the original, but still…

Needless to say, this cheese had some very unpleasant effects on the tiny bodies of our helpless victims. It was very rewarding to watch them swell up to the size of small watermelons! It was also very rewarding because this was the day I finally had the opportunity to see Eugene smile and he even chuckled a little bit. Eugene has not ever once smiled since the day he started working for me, or at least, ever since we put that monkey in the meat grinder. Eugene has a soft spot in his heart for monkeys. But we beat that right out of him, if he wants to work for me he needs to understand that monkeys are the superior chili meat, that’s all monkeys are good for, delicious meat. And shredding lettuce. And getting the lice out of your clown wigs. And… Well never mind.

Muah muah ha ha! Tomorrow we are working on something that will make things absolutely wretched for the naked mole rats of Africa! We are hoping that we will be able to bread them with hyenas and make a hideous Naked-yena. It’s all great fun messing with genetics, but you have to make sure that the DNA is clearly not identical in any way shape or form to make things a little challenging. My councilor always tells me that life without a challenge is boring. It’s really ironic though, because that was the time I had him locked in the dungeon because he had tried to escape. I feel grateful that I have such an incredible councilor as my prisoner—or rather, I mean captive audience.

Lord Cornelius Sebastian Augustus El Stinko the 3^rd

Diary of Lord El Stinko: Thoughts on Marriage, ect...

Dear Diary:

I have been thinking seriously lately about the existence of men, and I feel convinced that it is pasta that separate men from the beasts.

Today was a rather horrible day, I regrettably report, for today was the day that I finally mustered up the courage to talk to that gorgeous looking lady I see as I take my daily stroll around the block--running helps not only to clear my mind but my intestinal track as well. I came up to her and she looked at me as if she were shocked and flattered that I would pay her any heed, her face was white as snow and her lips a shade of deep red. I asked her who she was, about her family. But of course she never replied. She simply looked at me with her mournful eyes and put one finger up to her lips and then zipped them closed with her delicate gloved fingers. It was at that precise moment and to my eternal shame and embarrassment that I realized that she was actually a mime! Imagine my horror. I’m sorry dear, but an extended relationship in silence could only lead to disaster. And besides, if something ever did come of our relationship, and we were wed. What on earth would our children be?! They would suffer from a horrible identity crisis throughout their lives, and the last thing I would ever want is for my children to have the same issues as I did as a child. But how I long to find my earthly companion. I just know that there is someone out there waiting for me.

 

My mother was a clown and my father was a plumber/electrician. They married for love, but everything turned septic in the end, as it always seems to do in my family. The result was an identity confused kid, who grew up trying to please both parents equally. It never worked out. The relationship ended in a messy divorced and nine children left in limbo. All in all, though I am pleased with how I turned out. I like what I do. It’s exciting there’s always something new and thrilling to keep you interested. And not to mention distracted from the scathing disappointment of both of your parents.

I recently hired an assassin to take care of those pesky children and regain the cheese for our cause. Sir Champagne is really the best at what he does. If anyone can get that blasted cheese back it would be him. And what a lovely singing voice he has as well. When he gets back I shall have to invite him to join the crew to music night. We could use another male soprano for the choir. I hope he hurries back, without that cheese our plans have really slowed down. We continue, of course, in preparation for the master plan, but without the cheese we really can’t do anything. The men had been getting a little down on themselves, so that's why I decided to work on other less difficult schemes. (For example, the Global Warming Plan.)

In a more positive light the Global Warming Plan has really been an easy success. It’s brilliant really, we just tell everyone who we meet, and put in all of the newspapers, that the world is going to overheat and everyone will die. Naturally you set yourself up as an organization to stop Global Warming and then everyone gives you obscene amounts of cash, and then you use that cash to do whatever you want! It’s really quite brilliant; people will believe anything they see written in the papers. With our bank accounts refueled and our spirits high we look forward, and optimistically toward the future.

Lord Cornelius Sebastian Augustus El Stinko III

Lord El Stinko's Diary: My True Family

Dear Diary:

Being an evil genius is very difficult sometimes. Today I yelled at no less than five subordinates because they had clogged the toilets with provolone cheese. I know I shouldn’t have lost my temper like that. Looking back on it I suppose it was a good thing that they clogged the toilets; it was a creative way of using cheese to do evil. I guess I was just a little bit irritated because I wanted to have a delicious pizza. My minions know how ornery I can get it I don’t have the proper cheese for my pizza. You see I have a great responsibility as the leader of this crew, they all look up to me as a paternal figure, and I must do the best I can to train them in the ways of wickedness.

Admittedly, I’ve been rather grumpy lately after that incident with those horrid brats and their giantess. Of course, we’ve been looking for them everywhere; their whereabouts have eluded us day after day. That fungus was irreplaceable. It will take me another 10 years to create another cheese as perfectly infectious as that. I must find that cheese…

My mother called last night. It just reinforced the feelings of hatred I feel for my family. She made sure to remind me how I had disappointed her and the entire family and that my very existence was a disgrace and a blemish on the family name. She never forgave me after I flunked clown school. After that conversation I had to lock myself in my closet for a little bit to regain my sanity. You know how our conversations always turn toxic in the end. I just have to remember what my councilor told me: I am special, it doesn’t matter what other people think of me as long as I know who I am and what my life’s journey is.

Maurice did a good job today at finally getting the Nuclear Detonator fixed on the doomsday machine and blew the heads off of all those silly penguins! It was quite the experience; I was beginning to reconsider the wisdom in letting Maurice handle this job after his abject failure handling the Septic Turnip Soup Job. But after today he was finally able to earn back respect and honor from the rest of the crew. It did my heart good to see the joy on Maurice’s face as all the other members of the crew lifted him up on their shoulders and cheered. Hurrah Maurice!

I don’t care what my mother says, I love what I do. 

This crew is my true family...

Lord Cornelius Sebastian Augustus El Stinko III


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