History of Demon Rabbits

Remainder of the Tribal Carrot People

Over the ages there have been numberless sightings of demon rabbits from the Underworld—the Underworld being defined as: the lowest level of what most experts call the Superior Realm. While it is not common that demon rabbits should want to actually come out of their hades-like world, for they very much prefer burning flames and the smell of sulfur to fresh air and trees, sometimes it is inevitable for them to do so.

Traditionally demon rabbits must feed once every year, and to do this they must come into the Middle Realm, or our world, to feast upon their natural prey. They’re natural food is the ancient Carrot People of the Middle East. This old and hidden tribe of wanderers once lived in peace and harmony traveling the sands of the Arabian Peninsula in an endless cycle starting around 3000BC. Until approximately the year 1175BC, the same time that the Egyptian Empire fought against the surprise attack from the unknown “sea people,” or the Philistines. During this volatile time of change in the region little do most historians recognize that the Carrot People also were undergoing a battle of their own.

The Carrot People were known for their powerful magical abilities amongst the Egyptians and their wisdom in matters of the stars, they had to be in order to navigate the vast sands of the deserts. However the Carrot People are most famous for their development of Teleportation and Portal Magic. Manipulating Energy, and light and causing it to twist in midair, the Carrot People could easily form a small wormhole that would allow them to escape if threatened by enemy forces. This of course is a very dangerous branch of magic. One can easily loose limbs in the transfer of energy from one place to another; care is required when creating portals. The Philistines had heard of the mysterious Carrot People and their portals, and hoping to use this magic to their advantage in the region sent a small elite team of Philistine Mages to retrieve the information. When they arrived the normally peaceful Carrot People were easily conquered, and taken captive by the Philistines. However an Elder Carrot attempting to summon help for his people threw open a portal to the Underworld and summoned the demon rabbits just in time. The Rabbits were summoned the first Sunday after the first full moon after the spring equinox, or in other words Easter.

The Elder Carrot had saved his people but at a great cost. Summoning the Rabbits on a day when the moon was still so powerful in conjunction with the spring equinox caused the same portal to linger, and now every Easter to date, Portals all across the world are simultaneously opened. Many people refer to this phenomenon as the Easter Bunny. For many years the Carrot People were forced to sacrifice one of their own to the rabbits as tribute, or protection money. Until the Carrot People realized that the demon rabbits are easily tricked and replaced their sacrifice with hardboiled eggs instead. And Small Human Children...

How to Use Magic a Scientific Introduction

The concept behind magic is that you take something and transform it into something else, or give that item a property that it didn’t have before. It’s a fine art, many people think that you can solve all of your problems by just using magic, but seasoned witches can tell you that there is a price to pay. In order to get something great and powerful, something great and powerful must be sacrificed. Magic is more or less just taking energy from somewhere and putting it into something else. In the case of transformation you simply use the energy that the item has to change it into another form. However, it must be noted that some energy during all transformations or energy transfers is lost. That is why you can only transform big things into smaller things. If you wanted to create a sword that is great and powerful and you got the energy from a dragon, some of the power from the dragon would be lost in the transfer.

Mr. Thumb transforms criminals into gnomes. Naturally the gnomes are much smaller than their human counterparts. It is important that extreme caution is used while working with magic, for once the spell or incantation is cast, it is usually impossible to change something back to the way it was before. In order to transform a gnome back into a human, one would first need to find someone who had the exact same amount of mass that the gnome had before his or her transformation. Then one would need to somehow calculate the amount of energy lost in the original transfer and then find a second item with exactly the mass equivalent to the energy lost.

Albert Einstein was the first to recognize the principles of magic and studied them. With the help of his Giant Squid friend the two of them calculated the famous equation: E=mc^2.

The equation for calculating the amount of energy lost over a distance is:

-(dE/dx)=4π/mₑc^2 . nz^2/β^2 . (e^2/4πεₒ)^2 . [ln(2mₑc^2β^2/I . (1-β^2))-β^2]

You never knew that magic could be so difficult, did you? A negative transformation is the easiest transformation because you are not concerned with the amount of energy you will lose, in other words you just do it. Most on-the-spot transformations, or emergency spells, are done in the negative form because the witch doesn’t have time to calculate the energy that will be lost. A positive transformation is where the item that is being transformed ends up with equal to, or even more energy by calculating and compensating for the lost energy. All reverse spells are in the positive form. Because it is so difficult to transform something back to exactly how it was before, most magic users must settle for very close approximations of the needed mass. The end result is that minor changes in the item will most likely be noticeable, such as smaller limbs or nose etc…

Some items can be used to minimize energy loss in the first place. Pure gold is an excellent conductor for energy which is why some magic users choose to utilize wands made of gold. Poorer witches may resort to wands of silver, copper, or iron. But the energy loss will be greater in these less conductive metals.

 Closer proximity can also reduce energy loss when casting spells because greater energy is lost over greater distances.

Energy expelled in the form of light and heat when mass is accelerated

Magic is a purely mental effort. In the equation E=mc^2, m represents matter while c is equal to the speed of light. In other words in order to transfer matter into E, or energy, one needs to accelerate the matter 34,700,983,524 miles per hour. Though this is physically impossible to accomplish using mechanical means, it is not impossible by using one’s mind. A witch is born with the ability to accelerate matter to this incredible speed in a matter of seconds by only using her mind. However the effort is very draining on the body of the witch. That is why she can’t transform all of her enemies into energy whenever she pleases.

The art of witchcraft is continually progressing and the Secret Society of Sorcery is constantly publishing new discovers and findings in the magical universe. Keep reading to find out more on this scientific art.

The History of Invisible Friends

Few people know that many famous and influential people throughout history have had invisible friends that first helped them through their childhood and helped them begin on their paths to greatness. Winston Churchill, Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Albert Einstein are just a few of many examples. There are or course as well, Alexander the Great, Charlemagne, King David, Cleopatra and many more throughout ancient history who were born with the gift of Invisible Friends.

Invisible friends come in many shapes and sizes. They are usually larger than a normal human being. They offer sage advice when needed; they can rescue you from your evil Aunt and Uncle from under the stairs as well. And always they are endowed with supernatural abilities such as, but not limited to, shooting laser beams out of their eyes, super strength, the ability to fly, etc...

It is said that the first invisible friends were granted to human beings after the great floods. They are all brought into existence at the exact same time as their human charge, and usually must find their appointed human over a period of time. All Invisible friends spontaneously generate from the natural elements. Creatures that resemble giants or golems are born from the element of earth, creatures that resemble dragons or salamanders are born from the element fire, creatures that resemble whales or giant squids are born from the element water, and birds from the element of air.

Philosophers have studied invisible friends for centuries and have categorized all of them into one of the four elements; however, some philosophers speculate the existence of as many as six categories, the other two elements being ether and shadow. It is rumored that Lord El Stinko himself had an invisible friend born from the element ether that was in the form of a giant mushroom. Ether is usually an element devoted to the abnormal or insane personalities.

Invisible creatures are a mirrored image of the personality of their charge, likewise the element that resembles their human the most. A person, who is strong willed, for example, will most likely be born with an Invisible Friend from the element earth, the element of strength.

Winston Church hill was born with a Golem Friend. Abraham Lincoln was born with a Giant Skybird Friend, air being the element of wit and humor. George Washington was born with a Dragon Friend, fire is the element of determination and passion. Einstein was born with a Giant Squid Friend, water is the element of Intelligence and Wisdom. Shadow another rare element is the element of pure wickedness and evil.

Some might be considering the logic of having for example a friend from the water. One might expect that if this were the case that person would have to be near the water to be able to communicate with their Invisible Friend; however, this is not the case. As with many things concerning Invisible Friends, they are not bound with the constraints of natural law. They are beings of pure spiritual energy, and therefore a Giant Squid or Whale Friend can easily swim through the air to be able to accompany their human charges wherever they may go.

Image of Old Norse "Life Tree" Which is also the Superior Realm

When Invisible Friends die, they return back to the element from which they came, the spiritual energy though goes elsewhere. It is unclear exactly where it goes, but ancient Chinese scrolls suggest that it is a higher realm that is neither found upon earth nor in the heavens. The Chinese call it the Superior Realm and Einstein called it an alternate dimension. It is a place that is not definable by natural law, so therefore it cannot be measured or numbered. Leading Philosophers on the matter continue to explore this strange alternate dimension. Until then the world can only wonder…

History of Liberty

The town of Liberty, despite the fact that it has been reconstructed in recent years by a dedicated and unusual artist named Mr. Thumb, has a long history that begins sometime in the 1930’s. Liberty was founded in the year 1933, and what started out as a very small and uneventful city soon began to boom during the Worldwide Lawn Gnome rush of the 1940’s.

Trends in popularity, one of human natures stranger phenomena, made lawn gnomes the next greatest thing after sliced bread. Gnomes were sweeping the nation, and as such artists all over the world found themselves in a desperate shortage of good clay for making realistic gnomes. Liberty, Utah was known for its wonderfully natural earthy clay deposits, and became the epicenter of the world as far gnomes are concerned. Artists from all over the world congregated at Liberty hoping to get a lucky break and earn a name for themselves in the highly competitive world of garden gnomes.

Naturally there were those who saw that these garden gnomes had a lot more potential than simply making ones lawn interesting and trendy. Bass Thumbkin, one of the ancestors of Mr. Thumb, was the mayor of the town who became obsessed with garden gnomes. He believed that because the gnomes had been made with clay blessed by the Native American spiritual leaders that they had inherited what Bass called ‘Mana,’ or a small bit of life force. He believed that they were alive.

No one listened to Bass of course, but instead of giving in to the taunting laughter and sinking slowly into insanity, he decided to prove to the world that garden gnomes could actually be alive… Letting his theory drop from the grid, Bass wove himself into the political fabric of Liberty Government and soon was elected mayor of the city. Finding that he was in a position of greater power and authority he decided to press his advantage and spend more time proving his theory that lawn gnomes were actually alive. Using the fund of the government, Bass created his own sort of secret laboratory underneath city hall and there conducted his twisted experiments.

Lawn gnomes all over the city began to disappear and the fame of The Gnome Thief soon spread over all of North and South America. Years went by and the Mayor’s popularity thrived amongst the citizens of liberty for he had sworn that he would capture The Gnome Thief.

A secretary of the Mayor, however, grew suspicious. She noticed in the Mayor’s files that a large sum of money was missing every year from the city’s budget, and so she began to investigate. Snooping in places where she probably ought not to have snooped, she began opening mysterious crates that would arrive at the mayor’s office labeled as office supplies. Of course what she found in the crates were clearly not for a conventional office. She discovered that the mayor was actually ordering flasks and bottles, and strange chemicals. Some of the chemicals were even nuclear.

By the time the Secretary got the police involved it was too late. Mayor Thumbkin had already achieved his goal. He had tried for so long to enhance the life force of the gnomes. His plan was simple, to use his own body as a catalyst through which the life force could flow from him and into the gnome. He believed that if he did this, that the gnomes would finally come to life and the scientific community that had laughed him into oblivion would finally be cast down. This plan however also involved injecting himself with the before mentioned nuclear chemicals. A small price to pay he believed for satisfying his lifelong obsession.

The police burst in on Thumbkin just as he was about to conduct his experiment. The energy was so intense as if radiated from the mayor’s frame that the police all shielded their eyes. An explosion resulted that was felt all the way in California; the government has long tried to conceal this tremor as the Imperial Valley Earthquake which was felt in California in 1940.

The blast unfortunately destroyed the small town of Liberty and the popularity of lawn gnomes slowly declined in the United States. Investigators who discovered the remains of the town were shocked to find at the epicenter of the explosion several lawn gnomes all dressed in police uniforms and one gnome dressed like mayor Thumbkin…

Another Link to the Past of My Secret Biography!

Some of the articles that I have posted are no longer found on the home page of My Secret Biography Blog. Here is a list of links that will take you to different parts of the story that you may have missed:

Biography of Me!!! Part 1

Where you get to learn about my twisted past and how I was locked under the cupboard for 12 years of my life. I got to write a lot of poetry though...

My Aunt and Uncle Part 2

You really don’t want to read about them do you? they are quite wretched people.

The Escape Part 3

How I escape from the circus. Some people tell me it may have been an insane asylum. 

Crazy Monkeys Part 4

Animal cruelty at its finest. Learn how Wendy’s gets its lettuce leaves so perfectly chaotic.

Wicked Wendy Workers Part 5

When Wicked Wendy Workers try to Whack me with a Wat. I mean bat.

The Evil Plot Unveiled Part 6

It’s too horrible to describe!!! Cheese Horrible Cheese! Ahhhh!


Escaping a Cheesy Death and Kumbayah; Part 7


That was a close one. Thank you Gothgora...


Tragedy Strikes; Part 8


This part was really difficult to write. It's too sad to say anymore.


Creepy Garden Gnomes Part 9

This is a scary part. We also find out how Lord El Stinko may have misplaced his nose.


Becoming Padawan Learners Part 10

We find a teacher to help us develop our strange talents or powers.

I hope you enjoy reading this insane Biography.Thank you.

Cordailly,

Elliot

Tragedy Strikes Part 8

Gothgora was ill.

As we made it into the weasel infested forest I knew that there was something wrong. She let out a soft moan that turned into a fit of coughing. I turned; she definitely wasn’t her usual chipper self. She looked pale and was hunched over. I realized that her stomach was bothering her but she usually didn’t feel pain, so I knew that it must have been very bad.

“This isn’t good.” I said.

“She must be sick from the green fumes that she ate.” Chris noted sadly.

We had to sit and take a rest because Gothgora couldn’t go any farther. She found a long flat slab of stone and lay down on it trembling slightly.

I took her pale enormous hand in mine, she felt as weak as an overcooked noodle but thousands of times more massive…

“I’m afraid,” Gothgora said in her quiet voice. “That this is where we must say goodbye.”

“Don’t say such things.” I said tears welling up in my eyes.

“The great circle in the sky only has so many rounds in it for each person on the face of the earth. And if today is my last round then there is only to accept it…”

She was so wise I realized and so very quite. Though I thought we had a mutual understanding of the world and everything in it, I knew that she had a much deeper understanding of things that I could never quite contemplate. Though she was my invisible friend I knew very little about her.

Who knew that the fumes binding us were toxic? El Stinko must have known that people might have tried to escape by consuming them and made them accordingly.

“There is something I need to tell you.” Gothgora whispered. “When the red tomatoes falls from the vine look for the man in purple at midnight. When the crow caws at dawn, look under the cube of wastes. And when things look more hopeless than ever find the fountains of purity and find what you need in their depths.”

“What…?” I asked more confused than ever. She sometimes had a very cryptic way of saying things but this it seemed was just nonsense.

"Just remember." She said her voice growing ever weaker.

I nodded. And then noticed something disturbing Gothgora’s hand seemed to be growing lighter in mine. And not only that, but as I looked at her white hand it also was growing noticeably smaller like a marshmallow in the microwave, only in reverse.

“No. No. No. You can’t go now I need you with me.”

“I must,” she said. “But remember what I told you. You were destined to destroy Lord El Stinko and vanquish his evil ways and that is why I have stayed with you for all of these years, to protect you until you could defend yourself. But now that you have begun your journey, you are free, and so my time is done on this earth.”

Gothgora was no bigger than a child at this time and she continued to shrink.

“But what’s happening!” I yelled in alarm.

But she didn’t answer only smiled and closed her eyes. She was gone forever.

I watched as her body continued to shrink smaller and smaller. Until she grew so small that I could no long hold her hand in mine and then she shrunk from my view all together.

My childhood invisible friend was dead. But even as I thought it my mind would not accept that, but that still couldn’t stop the tears that were welling up behind my eyes from streaming out.

Chris stood behind me solemnly and there we stayed for hours, until the light of the sun began to fade.

“We should go.” Chris said as quietly and sensitively as she could. “El Stinko will be looking for us, we should try to find someplace more obscure.”

I nodded in agreement, but my legs it seemed were unwilling to leave the place of Gothgora’s final resting place.

“Wait,” I said. “There is something that I need to do. Do you have something to write with?”

Chris looked in her purple purse and pulled out a sharpie marker.

I took it thankfully, and began to write over the smooth surface of the flat rock.

Here lies the Giantess Gothgora the strong.

May lasers continually shoot from her eyes upon her enemies from above,

And may she Rest in Peace.

"She was very strong." Chris said, as we walked together in the forest.

I couldn’t bring myself to respond…

To Be Continued on Part 9…

History of Strange Powers or Talents

The mysterious powers that appear in my biography are very interesting and few people realize that they actually have an origin. So that is what I will explain today, by giving you a brief history of the strange powers that are found in my world.

The earliest powers originated just before the year 1990 about the time when my parents had just gotten together. There was during this time a terrorist organization bent on the destruction of the United States, naturally, and they were very interesting in using biological weapons to do some serious harm. And when I say Biological weapons I mean actual people. That’s right, this terrorist organization wanted to make people into weapons.

After a nuclear plant meltdown in Russia, the Russian government was well aware of the fact that many of the people who had survived the meltdown, which weren’t many, had strange genetic mutations in their DNA allowing them to do bizarre things.

Things really didn’t start here in the United States until this terrorist organization funded by the soviets started doing little experiments on the United States population. The first experiment was through none other than a barrel of pickles. Nuclear pickles! The pickles’ naturally neon green color would hide any visible traces of the glowing nuclear substances within. Brilliant really, the terrorist mixed these pickles in certain shipments of pickles all over the United States where they would be used in fast food restaurants. And naturally people began to exhibit strange powers, my parents included.

Nobody died from this attack because the nuclear chemicals were tailored to somehow affect only certain strands of DNA that would be necessary to make the powers evident.

These people who were infected first by the pickles became known as the first generation. The most powerful abilities came from this generation such as, telekinesis, laser eyes, turning your skin into metal or diamond, shooting spikes from your fingers, controlling weasels with your mind, you name it.

Their kids became the second generation. They had powers but not as powerful as the first generation. Such as Dairy-kinetic powers, being invisible but having to close your eyes during invisibility, seeing the future but sometimes forgetting what it was that you had seen. As you might have guessed Chrysanthemum and I are second generation power users.

Some people like to call these strange powers talents, because they are advantages that we have over other people however small that advantage might be, right?

Anyway I’m sure that talents will not be going away any time soon. There have been reports that sewage water can also have the same mutating effects on our DNA. Hence my plan involving a ton of dynamite and an outhouse… That plan didn’t go as well as I had hoped…

Well until next time.

Cordially Yours,

Elliot