The Enchanted Hair Brush Part 22

I thought that after we had discovered that odd magical cottage in the forest, that things from then on out would be different… However, here were once again running through the forest, this I believe is becoming a reoccurring theme for our group. And this time we were with the brave responsible adult who was trying to help us get to the Superior Realm, turns out that you don’t stop being afraid when you get older. You especially don’t stop being afraid of giant Demon Bunnies from the Underworld. Sir Champagne and the Giant Demon Rabbit were following close behind us. Sir Champagne was riding on the back of the giant beastly creature.

“Where did that thing come from?!” Chris shrieked.

“It’s a renowned Demon Rabbit from the Superior Realm! How could I have been so foolish,” Yaga chided herself. “I should have known that, that was how Lord El Stinko was getting the cheese out of the Underworld. He’s using the rabbit to run errands for him on the other side! It’s brilliant really, for an insane clown. El Stinko must have summoned him somehow.”

We continued to run but as we did I knew that it was hopeless, the rabbit was going to catch us for sure. “We’re done for,” I said in despair looking over my shoulder. The rabbit didn’t even seem to be trying anymore, it was so fast on its hug fuzzy feet, and we were so small compared to it that it wasn’t even a fair contest really.

“I have a few tricks up my sleeve yet!” Yaga cried. Even as she spoke she had one hand inside another pouch in her backpack, she was fishing around for something. I hoped it was a giant bear trap that we could throw behind us and hope that it would take down the rabbit. Of course we would probably need something a little more potent than a bear trap—probably more like an elephant gun.

Finally, Yaga found exactly what it was that she was looking for. “Ah ha!” She cried in triumph. I looked over to where she was running by my side. She had a wooden hair brush in her hand.

“Ah, no offense, but now isn’t exactly the time to be brushing our hair!” I shouted. “I don’t think that the Demon Rabbit will appreciate it much if we brush its fur either.”

“Silly boy, this is no ordinary hair brush.”

I waited for a further explanation but as we ran she simply threw the brush over her shoulder. Nothing happened at first, but then I heard Sir Champagne give a shriek of rage like a little girl having a tantrum. I looked over my shoulder to see the rabbit suddenly increase its speed as if its victims were going to escape. But, it was too late, the brush suddenly erupted! Each of the tiny bristles in the head of the brush began shooting upward toward the heavens, and suddenly widening and sprouting bark.

 “Trees?” I asked. The trees grew so rapidly that the pink rabbit didn’t have time to jump over them before they were too tall. And they were so thick that he wouldn’t be able to gnaw his way through either with his yellow fangs. The line of trees was so long that they extended for as far as I could see in either direction behind us, as well.

“Amazing!” I said.

“Isn’t though.” Yaga replied. “I’ve been saving up the energy from trees for so long inside of that brush, I never thought that I would have to use it so soon though, she said. Magic really is quite incredible.” Yaga smiled mischievously.

To Be Continued…

Battle of the Hare Part 21

“We have no intentions of surrendering to the likes of you,” Yaga said. She seemed awfully determined. As for me, I had no idea how on earth we were going to get out of this one without turning into giant fleshy balloons.

Yaga pulled the backpack that she had filled up before we had left the cottage, opened up a pouch, and pulled out a long silvery wand. Apparently this wand wasn’t her most powerful wand, but it was still something that she could use to somehow focus the energy from one thing to another. I had the feeling that this Yaga was very experienced. Sir Champagne had referred to her as the famous Baba Yaga. I hadn’t ever heard that name before, but it sounded important. In any case, it meant that she was probably a very powerful witch.

“What do you plan to do with that?” Champagne scoffed. “You know that all cheeses from The Curds of Wrath are immune to all magic.”

She pointed her wand forward and there was a buzzing electrical sound, like that from a science fiction movie. A beam of concentrated energy flew from the wand striking the stump directly behind the startled Champagne. And almost instantly the stump of the tree began to writhe and move, its twisted roots popping up out of the soil to grab Champagne’s ankles and wrists. He could no longer throw the cheese.

“Impressive witch!” Champagne said sarcastically. “Manipulation of Energy is a very advanced skill.”

“What did you expect from someone who is about 900 years old?” Baba Yaga replied.

“But I bet that you weren’t expecting this.” Sir Champagne said, he snapped his fingers that weren’t occupied by holding the cheese, and we heard a loud crunching noise as something large and pink bounded out of the forest toward the clearing. It was strange, really, how the odd pink creature jumped like that, it was almost as if it were… “A Rabbit!” I cried in alarm.

Just millisecond later an enormous rabbit about the size of the entire chicken-legged cottage jumped out of the trees and immediately, with its large yellow fangs, ripped through the roots that bound Sir Champagne!

The rabbit, I noticed, smelled rank like sulfur; and its pink fur was matted and stained as if it had been bathed in blood. It had red glowing eyes that seemed to pierce our souls. It stared at us cruelly as it nibbled on Sir Champagne’s restraints.

“A Demon Rabbit from the Superior Realm!” Yaga yelled. “Run for it children we don’t stand a chance!”

To Be Continued…

The Return of Sir Champagne Part 20

His face was red and blistered from where the sizzling sausages had struck him in the face, like tiny meaty battering rams. The blemishes made him resemble a blushing toad more than anything else. He did not look happy, even though he maintained his air of nonchalance. Unfortunately, the spicy juices had not left him blind, as I had early speculated that they might.

With a flourish of his wrist he pulled out his long monocle on a stick and put it to his eye, so as to better look down his nose at us. “I see you’ve found an old friend of mine,” Sir Champagne said sarcastically gesturing toward Yaga with a flick of his monocle.

"Wait!" Chris interjected. "You mean to say that you two actually know each other?"

"I’m afraid that is indeed the case," Sir Champagne confirmed. "The famous Baba Yaga and I go back a long, long way, of course I can see that the years haven’t been kind to you my dear…" He remarked snidely. “I presume it’s accurate what they say: ‘vermin of a feather do indeed congregate mutually…’” (I didn’t like his rendition of the popular saying either.)

“That’s rich,” Yaga replied coolly. “For a man who has an affinity for hanging around deranged delusional clowns, is it not Champagne?”

Champagne sniffed disdainfully and ignored Yaga’s bighting comment. “Surrender the brats over to me now,” He said smoothly. “And I will let you go free old hag.”

Yaga chuckled, a deep sort of challenging chuckle, like a cross between a naked mole rat and hyena. “And just what do you think to do to me, you little half-brained twit. Sing at me? You know that your talent will not work against my magic.”

Sir Champagne smiled a little half smile. The kind of smile that left me with an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach that gave me the impression that Sir Champagne was about to pull a nasty card out of his sleeve, the likes we knew nothing about.

Yaga’s lower lip pulled downward into a slight frown. She seemed unsure.

She took a step forward. But as she did Sir Champagne reached into his pocket with another impeccable handkerchief and pulled out of the depths of his long tailed, suit coat a lump of something mysterious, fuzzy, and dark orange in color. The soft lump began crumbling in his hand even as he held it. I didn’t know what it was until I smelled the horrible stench that emanated from it. It was another cheese!

I covered my nose and mouth with the inside of my shirt. The smell of the cheese was so potent that it almost made me faint on the spot luckily though I kept my scenes, and was able breath more through my nose. I saw Chris next to me also struggling for breath before she too, sputtering and choking, followed my example and pulled her shirt up over her nose and mouth.

Yaga didn’t seem to have any problem with the cheese in the least. She breathed deeply as if probing the air. “Ahhhh, Bloatanagousnastifungopolis,” Yaga said, apparently identifying the moldy orange fuzz sprouting out of the rancid cheese. “Another excellent specimen from The Curds of Wrath. Tell me how did El Stinko manage to travel to the Superior Realm and back again and maintain what little sanity he has remaining.”

“I’m afraid that would be confidential.” Champagne said covering his own mouth with a separate lacey handkerchief. “You may find out of course if you ask Lord El Stinko himself when you go to visit him, willingly, as my prisoners. I do hope you come willingly, corpses you see can’t ask questions.” Champagne glanced at us and back at Yaga. “You know what this cheese can ensure, so I’m warning you, surrender now, you don’t stand a chance.”

“What will it do?” I asked nervously.

“Bloatanagousnastifungopolis, is a nasty fungus that has the property of making whatever it touches expand to incredible sizes, and fill with helium gas, which then causes the victim to float into outer space.” Yaga said all of this in a matter of fact sort of tone. A tone that didn’t, I felt, portray accurately the seriousness of our predicament. All Champagne would have to do was through the crumbly cheese and all of the tiny curdled missiles would pelt us like putrid hail, we would be toast for sure. Or rather, giant fleshy balloons. Take your pick.

To Be Continued…

Curds of Wrath Part 18

Section of the Curds of Wrath Cheese Factory

“Now it’s your turn to ask a question,” the woman said. She seemed more eager now to answer the questions than she had before.

“Well…” I said. “Let just imagine that somebody happened to have the cheese with the fungus. How could one get rid of it, without causing a biological disaster?”

“An interesting question,” Old Yaga chuckled. “So you do have the cheese after all. I figured that El Stinko wouldn’t spend so much money on a professional assassin just to take out two kids. You are very fortunate to be alive. Champagne isn’t one to let his prey escape so easily.”

I looked down out of embarrassment. Yaga had figured out that we had the cheese much more quickly than I had imagined.

“Not to worry child,” She said. “I have no intentions of helping Lord El Stinko with his smelly cheese. And I’m afraid that you are correct there is no way of getting rid of the cheese without causing a biological disaster.”

“Couldn’t you just destroy it with your magic? Turn it into energy or something?” I asked.

“No, I’m afraid that the fungus is completely impervious to all powers. It is quite harmless, unless you eat it, I’m sure you’ve noticed as you’ve carried it around with you this whole time. However, the fungus can definitely protect itself.”

“There must be some way that we can get rid of it.” I insisted.

“Well…” The old woman pondered, ”there is one way. But you may not like it.”

“Tell me,” I said simply. “We need to get rid of this evil.”

“Very well, if you must be so melodramatic.” Yaga said. “In order to get rid of the cheese, you must cast it into the curd from whence it came.”

“That’s it?” I asked.

“Ah, but here’s where things get a little complicated. That particular cheese mold can only be cultivated once every ten years in The Curds of Wrath.”

“The Curds of Wrath?” I asked questioningly.

“The Curds of Wrath is a giant cheese factory that is found in the underworld of the superior realm. It is the home of all deathly cheeses. All of them can give you absolutely horrible gas.”

“The Superior realm,” I said out loud. The place sounded familiar. I was sure that I had heard Gothgora talking about the superior realm before. She had said something about that that is where all invisible friends come from, or did she say that, that was where they all went after they had died? In any case, I was sure that I had heard of the superior realm before.

“How do we get there?” I asked eagerly.

“Now hold on just a second,” Yaga said. “That’s two questions that you’ve asked already. I think it’s about my turn.”

“Sorry,” I apologized. “Ask your question.”

“Do you have any idea what the underworld is?”

“Ah, sort of,” I said, “isn’t it sort of like heck.”

“That’s a bit of an understatement.” Yaga said. “But yes it’s the worst sort of ‘heck’ that you can imagine: with horrifying beasts that would just as soon eat you on a cracker with that smelly cheese of yours rather than look at you.”

“But if the monster ate it, wouldn’t that get rid of the cheese problem?”

“ Not at all, the mold would only multiply and spread by spore into other foods throughout the superior realm sucking all the powers and magic from that world, and that would mean no more invisible friends for our world and the source of all mystic powers for our power would also cease. You would be doing exactly what Lord El Stinko wants. That is how the fungus propagates by using the feces of animals to…”

“That’s all right I don’t need to know how the fungus manages to uh, propagate,” I said slowly. “However, I do need to know how I can get into the superior realm, how to get past all of the nasty beasts in our way, and most importantly how to get our cheese into the Curds of Wrath.”

The old woman sighed.” It will not be easy,” She said seriously. “But if you think you must go there alone you are mistaken. I’m coming with you!”

To Be Continued…

The Cottage of Destiny and Chickens Part 17

“In witchcraft,” the old woman explained. “You sacrifice something and convert it into energy, then you either transform that energy into something else, or you can put it into another item. That’s how you get interesting enchanted items, like Excalibur for example.”

“Wow,” I said. “Well if that’s how magic works then how do talents work?”

“Talents as far as I can tell, function through energies inside of the body. While witchcraft uses external energy, Talents seem to only use internal. I think it’s sort of like a reservoir or a dam that slowly fills up over time. Then once you have enough power you can release it all at once to do something incredibly powerful, or you can release it in little bits to do other less potent things…”

“That makes sense.” I sipped the bitter tasting tea that the old woman had made for us from blue rose petals. It was a kind gesture to offer us the hot beverage on this slightly chilly night, but the drink tasted of cottage cheese and smelly feet.

The inside of the hut was very cozy if not odd. All over the room there hung old dried herbs and hot peppers. And there were long purple and red strips of cloth that hung from the ceiling in plush comfortable loops. On the walls were ornate picture frames and, strangely, inside of them were pictures of chickens. In the corner rested an enormous pot and a long rod protruded from it, it was exactly like a giant mortar used for crushing up powders for medicine. And in one corner there was a long desk filled with all sorts of interesting knickknacks. A skull, a bunch of black feathers, various metal rods that I imagined could be wands.

“This place has great chi.” Chris said. “Great for doing a little bit of crystal ball gazing.”

“Fascinating.” The old woman said, as she watched Chris pull the ball from her purse and begin staring into it.

“I’m sorry we never asked you what your name was.” I said.

“Ah,” The old woman said turning back to me stroking her pet mole—not to be confused by the giant mole on her face. “I have many names…”

“Which do you prefer most?” I asked somewhat confused.

“Well most people call me Yaga, I suppose, that seems the most appropriate at this time…” She paused gazing off into the distance as if remembering some long forgotten past before continuing. “If people ask me too many questions I grow weary,” The old woman said yawning. “So let’s make a deal. If you ask a question then I get to ask a question.”

“Alright,” I nodded in agreement.

“Okay then, now it’s my turn to ask a question. Where is that annoying Mr. Thumb now?”

“I didn’t know what she might do to Mr. Thumb if she found out, she looked fairly serious. Fortunately for Mr. Thumb, I didn’t know where Mr. Thumb was.”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t know exactly where he is, or if he is still in existence,” I said. “I sort of ‘vanished’ him while he was trying to train us with our talents.”

“Yaga’s mouth turned up into a half smile. Well with all good luck he has ceased to exist. But my guess is that he’s still out there, that incessant trouble maker.”

“Why do you want to know where he is?” I asked curiously.

“Mr. Thumb has something that belongs to me,” Yaga replied. “Something that I borrowed to him a very very long time ago. Unfortunately, he has forgotten to return it to me. Forgotten on purpose, if I know that Thumbkin!”

“I see,” I wanted to ask what it was that he took but it wasn’t my turn to ask the next question.

“Why are you two kids traveling about in the woods this late at night and all by yourself?”

It was a good question, one that covered so many topics in one breath. “Well I’m not sure exactly where to start with that question. Chris and I met about a month ago, at a Wendy’s about five or so miles from Liberty. Before that I escaped from my evil aunt and uncle and set out to find my own destiny. On the way though, we ran into Lord El Stinko…”

The old woman’s eyebrows raised in recognition.

I continued. “We accidently discovered that El Stinko has been taking over Wendy’s establishments all over the United States in an attempt to feed everyone a toxic cheese that will take away all powers from those who eat it. This would leave the world horrible dry and depressing.”

“Quesonastifolopugus,” Yaga said, nodding her head slowly. For an old woman who lived out in the middle of the forest she seemed rather well informed. I thought better of telling her that the cheese was actually in our possession, just in case she wasn’t on our side.

“Of course, now that we know about his plot, El Stinko wants to stop us. He hired an assassin named Sir Champagne to take care of us, and he showed up on the day that we vanished Mr. Thumb. That was why we were running through the forest, and why we knocked on your door this night.”

“My cabin,” the woman said. “Turns its back to the forest and toward all those who really need shelter. It really is remarkable that you were able to find my house at all, and indicates that you two have a significant destiny in the future that will change the history of the world forever, for good or bad. A few years ago a certain gnome appeared on my doorstep, as well. A clown really in the form of a gnome who needed my help.”

“El Stinko,” I gasped, remembering what Mr. Thumb had said about Liberty. That it was an enchanted city that attracted all the worst criminals to it eventually. Mr. Thumb using his magic would then transform them into garden gnomes.

“He needed me to transform him back into a human,” Yaga said. “And it’s never easy transforming something back to how it used to be.”

“And you did?” I asked incredulously.

“Yes. I’m afraid I did,” the old woman said grudgingly. “But then again he too was able to find my front door, even though he was in the form of a garden gnome…”

“That means then that his destiny is also very important,” I confirmed.

“Yes,” she agreed. “But I’m afraid for the worse.”

To Be Continued…