Battle of the Hare Part 21

“We have no intentions of surrendering to the likes of you,” Yaga said. She seemed awfully determined. As for me, I had no idea how on earth we were going to get out of this one without turning into giant fleshy balloons.

Yaga pulled the backpack that she had filled up before we had left the cottage, opened up a pouch, and pulled out a long silvery wand. Apparently this wand wasn’t her most powerful wand, but it was still something that she could use to somehow focus the energy from one thing to another. I had the feeling that this Yaga was very experienced. Sir Champagne had referred to her as the famous Baba Yaga. I hadn’t ever heard that name before, but it sounded important. In any case, it meant that she was probably a very powerful witch.

“What do you plan to do with that?” Champagne scoffed. “You know that all cheeses from The Curds of Wrath are immune to all magic.”

She pointed her wand forward and there was a buzzing electrical sound, like that from a science fiction movie. A beam of concentrated energy flew from the wand striking the stump directly behind the startled Champagne. And almost instantly the stump of the tree began to writhe and move, its twisted roots popping up out of the soil to grab Champagne’s ankles and wrists. He could no longer throw the cheese.

“Impressive witch!” Champagne said sarcastically. “Manipulation of Energy is a very advanced skill.”

“What did you expect from someone who is about 900 years old?” Baba Yaga replied.

“But I bet that you weren’t expecting this.” Sir Champagne said, he snapped his fingers that weren’t occupied by holding the cheese, and we heard a loud crunching noise as something large and pink bounded out of the forest toward the clearing. It was strange, really, how the odd pink creature jumped like that, it was almost as if it were… “A Rabbit!” I cried in alarm.

Just millisecond later an enormous rabbit about the size of the entire chicken-legged cottage jumped out of the trees and immediately, with its large yellow fangs, ripped through the roots that bound Sir Champagne!

The rabbit, I noticed, smelled rank like sulfur; and its pink fur was matted and stained as if it had been bathed in blood. It had red glowing eyes that seemed to pierce our souls. It stared at us cruelly as it nibbled on Sir Champagne’s restraints.

“A Demon Rabbit from the Superior Realm!” Yaga yelled. “Run for it children we don’t stand a chance!”

To Be Continued…

The Return of Sir Champagne Part 20

His face was red and blistered from where the sizzling sausages had struck him in the face, like tiny meaty battering rams. The blemishes made him resemble a blushing toad more than anything else. He did not look happy, even though he maintained his air of nonchalance. Unfortunately, the spicy juices had not left him blind, as I had early speculated that they might.

With a flourish of his wrist he pulled out his long monocle on a stick and put it to his eye, so as to better look down his nose at us. “I see you’ve found an old friend of mine,” Sir Champagne said sarcastically gesturing toward Yaga with a flick of his monocle.

"Wait!" Chris interjected. "You mean to say that you two actually know each other?"

"I’m afraid that is indeed the case," Sir Champagne confirmed. "The famous Baba Yaga and I go back a long, long way, of course I can see that the years haven’t been kind to you my dear…" He remarked snidely. “I presume it’s accurate what they say: ‘vermin of a feather do indeed congregate mutually…’” (I didn’t like his rendition of the popular saying either.)

“That’s rich,” Yaga replied coolly. “For a man who has an affinity for hanging around deranged delusional clowns, is it not Champagne?”

Champagne sniffed disdainfully and ignored Yaga’s bighting comment. “Surrender the brats over to me now,” He said smoothly. “And I will let you go free old hag.”

Yaga chuckled, a deep sort of challenging chuckle, like a cross between a naked mole rat and hyena. “And just what do you think to do to me, you little half-brained twit. Sing at me? You know that your talent will not work against my magic.”

Sir Champagne smiled a little half smile. The kind of smile that left me with an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach that gave me the impression that Sir Champagne was about to pull a nasty card out of his sleeve, the likes we knew nothing about.

Yaga’s lower lip pulled downward into a slight frown. She seemed unsure.

She took a step forward. But as she did Sir Champagne reached into his pocket with another impeccable handkerchief and pulled out of the depths of his long tailed, suit coat a lump of something mysterious, fuzzy, and dark orange in color. The soft lump began crumbling in his hand even as he held it. I didn’t know what it was until I smelled the horrible stench that emanated from it. It was another cheese!

I covered my nose and mouth with the inside of my shirt. The smell of the cheese was so potent that it almost made me faint on the spot luckily though I kept my scenes, and was able breath more through my nose. I saw Chris next to me also struggling for breath before she too, sputtering and choking, followed my example and pulled her shirt up over her nose and mouth.

Yaga didn’t seem to have any problem with the cheese in the least. She breathed deeply as if probing the air. “Ahhhh, Bloatanagousnastifungopolis,” Yaga said, apparently identifying the moldy orange fuzz sprouting out of the rancid cheese. “Another excellent specimen from The Curds of Wrath. Tell me how did El Stinko manage to travel to the Superior Realm and back again and maintain what little sanity he has remaining.”

“I’m afraid that would be confidential.” Champagne said covering his own mouth with a separate lacey handkerchief. “You may find out of course if you ask Lord El Stinko himself when you go to visit him, willingly, as my prisoners. I do hope you come willingly, corpses you see can’t ask questions.” Champagne glanced at us and back at Yaga. “You know what this cheese can ensure, so I’m warning you, surrender now, you don’t stand a chance.”

“What will it do?” I asked nervously.

“Bloatanagousnastifungopolis, is a nasty fungus that has the property of making whatever it touches expand to incredible sizes, and fill with helium gas, which then causes the victim to float into outer space.” Yaga said all of this in a matter of fact sort of tone. A tone that didn’t, I felt, portray accurately the seriousness of our predicament. All Champagne would have to do was through the crumbly cheese and all of the tiny curdled missiles would pelt us like putrid hail, we would be toast for sure. Or rather, giant fleshy balloons. Take your pick.

To Be Continued…

Retrieving the Golden Wand Part 19

“What’s that?” Chris said suddenly waking up from out of her deep crystal ball gazing.

“Yaga has agreed to help us.” I said cheerfully she’s going to take us to The Curds of Wrath so that we can destroy that cheese once and for all.

“Oh!” Chris said. “That’s great! I guess I missed out on more than I thought.”

“What did you see in the crystal ball?” I asked curiously.

“I can’t remember,” Chris said sadly gazing off into space. “You just made me forget with that exciting news…”

I rolled my eyes. “Alright then,” I said turning back to Yaga. “How do we start, and when do we get out of this forest.”

“We can begin as soon as I have my most powerful golden wand,” Yaga said grimly.

“Let me guess,” I said. “Mr. Thumb has your most powerful wand?”

“Yes,” she replied blatantly.

Of course, I thought. It just so happens that the one time when Mr. Thumb can actually be useful to us we ‘vanish’ him to some unknown location on the globe.

“We don’t know where he is.” I said sadly.

“Well then we best get looking for him then.” Yaga said. She walked over to a small closet and pulled out a small leather backpack. “This has everything that we are likely to need on our journey,” she said. “And I suppose that I can finish your training on the way. I might be a magic user but I do know a thing or two about talents. More than that idiot Mr. thumb at least.”

“How did you learn so many things?” I asked her.

“Well, over the millennia you pick up on some things,” She said. “Talents are a particular fascination for me, because they are so rare and most of them are new originating somewhere around the 1990’s. I have an obsession, you see, for things that I don’t know nearly enough about.”

The sun had already risen, we hadn’t slept at all that night but for some reason we didn’t feel at all tired. It must have been that strange blue rose petal tea, I thought. I also felt more optimistic about life in general. I didn’t know what was going to happen to us on our journey but it just felt as if we were now on the right track.

We stepped out of the doorway and into the sunlight and began to walk toward the trees. But as we did, I noticed a figure leaning against a tree stub filing his already perfect gleaming nails.

“It’s about time you egressed from your shanty,” Sir Champagne said in his lilting voice.

To Be Continued…

Curds of Wrath Part 18

Section of the Curds of Wrath Cheese Factory

“Now it’s your turn to ask a question,” the woman said. She seemed more eager now to answer the questions than she had before.

“Well…” I said. “Let just imagine that somebody happened to have the cheese with the fungus. How could one get rid of it, without causing a biological disaster?”

“An interesting question,” Old Yaga chuckled. “So you do have the cheese after all. I figured that El Stinko wouldn’t spend so much money on a professional assassin just to take out two kids. You are very fortunate to be alive. Champagne isn’t one to let his prey escape so easily.”

I looked down out of embarrassment. Yaga had figured out that we had the cheese much more quickly than I had imagined.

“Not to worry child,” She said. “I have no intentions of helping Lord El Stinko with his smelly cheese. And I’m afraid that you are correct there is no way of getting rid of the cheese without causing a biological disaster.”

“Couldn’t you just destroy it with your magic? Turn it into energy or something?” I asked.

“No, I’m afraid that the fungus is completely impervious to all powers. It is quite harmless, unless you eat it, I’m sure you’ve noticed as you’ve carried it around with you this whole time. However, the fungus can definitely protect itself.”

“There must be some way that we can get rid of it.” I insisted.

“Well…” The old woman pondered, ”there is one way. But you may not like it.”

“Tell me,” I said simply. “We need to get rid of this evil.”

“Very well, if you must be so melodramatic.” Yaga said. “In order to get rid of the cheese, you must cast it into the curd from whence it came.”

“That’s it?” I asked.

“Ah, but here’s where things get a little complicated. That particular cheese mold can only be cultivated once every ten years in The Curds of Wrath.”

“The Curds of Wrath?” I asked questioningly.

“The Curds of Wrath is a giant cheese factory that is found in the underworld of the superior realm. It is the home of all deathly cheeses. All of them can give you absolutely horrible gas.”

“The Superior realm,” I said out loud. The place sounded familiar. I was sure that I had heard Gothgora talking about the superior realm before. She had said something about that that is where all invisible friends come from, or did she say that, that was where they all went after they had died? In any case, I was sure that I had heard of the superior realm before.

“How do we get there?” I asked eagerly.

“Now hold on just a second,” Yaga said. “That’s two questions that you’ve asked already. I think it’s about my turn.”

“Sorry,” I apologized. “Ask your question.”

“Do you have any idea what the underworld is?”

“Ah, sort of,” I said, “isn’t it sort of like heck.”

“That’s a bit of an understatement.” Yaga said. “But yes it’s the worst sort of ‘heck’ that you can imagine: with horrifying beasts that would just as soon eat you on a cracker with that smelly cheese of yours rather than look at you.”

“But if the monster ate it, wouldn’t that get rid of the cheese problem?”

“ Not at all, the mold would only multiply and spread by spore into other foods throughout the superior realm sucking all the powers and magic from that world, and that would mean no more invisible friends for our world and the source of all mystic powers for our power would also cease. You would be doing exactly what Lord El Stinko wants. That is how the fungus propagates by using the feces of animals to…”

“That’s all right I don’t need to know how the fungus manages to uh, propagate,” I said slowly. “However, I do need to know how I can get into the superior realm, how to get past all of the nasty beasts in our way, and most importantly how to get our cheese into the Curds of Wrath.”

The old woman sighed.” It will not be easy,” She said seriously. “But if you think you must go there alone you are mistaken. I’m coming with you!”

To Be Continued…