Silver Lining: Diary of Lord El Stinko

Dear Diary:

I was ill these last few days which made being evil and vile a little difficult. Well, actually, I take that back it was harder to be evil, but not necessarily vile. I still vomited all over some people and gave them my highly contagious delightful disease. And if we’re lucky my tapeworms as well!

I also sent a special little package to my mother this week. Won’t she be surprised when she opens it up to find that delicious banana cream pie, little does she know that it’s actually infested with this horrible stomach flu, because I made it myself while I was still sick! Last time the old bat got suspicious when she found that brown box I left her on the front porch with wires poking out of it. She got lucky I guess and called the bomb squad. This time though I shall succeed… Her immune system is weakened in her old age, and I know that she won’t be able to resist the creamy banana goodness within. Her body will be compromised by thousands of tiny microbes, which may just, we can only hope, rid us of the surplus population—if you catch my drift.

You know, you really get to understand who your loyal henchmen are when the mastermind of the operation is sick. The henchmen who really care bring you chicken noodle soup, and read to you at your bedside, and clean the vomit bowl after its been used. I think Eugene is due for a raise. His progress in the last few days has been very impressive, he has pretty much taken control of the situation while I’ve been ill, and he’s been doing a very good job at it. Who knew that he had so much evil potential locked away inside of him? Not only that but he did clean the vomit bowl…

All of this time in bed has given me a lot of time to think, and I’ve been considering going more into the theater. It was my childhood fantasy to one day be a famous actor. So I think I’ll start with something small and work my up. I haven’t quite figured out what I will be doing yet. It has to be something good. Probably involving the destruction of small cute animals…

Although dark clouds of darkness, caused by this horrible illness, have shrouded my life it just goes to show you that my councilor was right: there is a silver lining around every cloud.

Lord Cornelius Sebastian Augustus El Stinko III

The Enchanted Hair Brush Part 22

I thought that after we had discovered that odd magical cottage in the forest, that things from then on out would be different… However, here were once again running through the forest, this I believe is becoming a reoccurring theme for our group. And this time we were with the brave responsible adult who was trying to help us get to the Superior Realm, turns out that you don’t stop being afraid when you get older. You especially don’t stop being afraid of giant Demon Bunnies from the Underworld. Sir Champagne and the Giant Demon Rabbit were following close behind us. Sir Champagne was riding on the back of the giant beastly creature.

“Where did that thing come from?!” Chris shrieked.

“It’s a renowned Demon Rabbit from the Superior Realm! How could I have been so foolish,” Yaga chided herself. “I should have known that, that was how Lord El Stinko was getting the cheese out of the Underworld. He’s using the rabbit to run errands for him on the other side! It’s brilliant really, for an insane clown. El Stinko must have summoned him somehow.”

We continued to run but as we did I knew that it was hopeless, the rabbit was going to catch us for sure. “We’re done for,” I said in despair looking over my shoulder. The rabbit didn’t even seem to be trying anymore, it was so fast on its hug fuzzy feet, and we were so small compared to it that it wasn’t even a fair contest really.

“I have a few tricks up my sleeve yet!” Yaga cried. Even as she spoke she had one hand inside another pouch in her backpack, she was fishing around for something. I hoped it was a giant bear trap that we could throw behind us and hope that it would take down the rabbit. Of course we would probably need something a little more potent than a bear trap—probably more like an elephant gun.

Finally, Yaga found exactly what it was that she was looking for. “Ah ha!” She cried in triumph. I looked over to where she was running by my side. She had a wooden hair brush in her hand.

“Ah, no offense, but now isn’t exactly the time to be brushing our hair!” I shouted. “I don’t think that the Demon Rabbit will appreciate it much if we brush its fur either.”

“Silly boy, this is no ordinary hair brush.”

I waited for a further explanation but as we ran she simply threw the brush over her shoulder. Nothing happened at first, but then I heard Sir Champagne give a shriek of rage like a little girl having a tantrum. I looked over my shoulder to see the rabbit suddenly increase its speed as if its victims were going to escape. But, it was too late, the brush suddenly erupted! Each of the tiny bristles in the head of the brush began shooting upward toward the heavens, and suddenly widening and sprouting bark.

 “Trees?” I asked. The trees grew so rapidly that the pink rabbit didn’t have time to jump over them before they were too tall. And they were so thick that he wouldn’t be able to gnaw his way through either with his yellow fangs. The line of trees was so long that they extended for as far as I could see in either direction behind us, as well.

“Amazing!” I said.

“Isn’t though.” Yaga replied. “I’ve been saving up the energy from trees for so long inside of that brush, I never thought that I would have to use it so soon though, she said. Magic really is quite incredible.” Yaga smiled mischievously.

To Be Continued…

History of Demon Rabbits

Remainder of the Tribal Carrot People

Over the ages there have been numberless sightings of demon rabbits from the Underworld—the Underworld being defined as: the lowest level of what most experts call the Superior Realm. While it is not common that demon rabbits should want to actually come out of their hades-like world, for they very much prefer burning flames and the smell of sulfur to fresh air and trees, sometimes it is inevitable for them to do so.

Traditionally demon rabbits must feed once every year, and to do this they must come into the Middle Realm, or our world, to feast upon their natural prey. They’re natural food is the ancient Carrot People of the Middle East. This old and hidden tribe of wanderers once lived in peace and harmony traveling the sands of the Arabian Peninsula in an endless cycle starting around 3000BC. Until approximately the year 1175BC, the same time that the Egyptian Empire fought against the surprise attack from the unknown “sea people,” or the Philistines. During this volatile time of change in the region little do most historians recognize that the Carrot People also were undergoing a battle of their own.

The Carrot People were known for their powerful magical abilities amongst the Egyptians and their wisdom in matters of the stars, they had to be in order to navigate the vast sands of the deserts. However the Carrot People are most famous for their development of Teleportation and Portal Magic. Manipulating Energy, and light and causing it to twist in midair, the Carrot People could easily form a small wormhole that would allow them to escape if threatened by enemy forces. This of course is a very dangerous branch of magic. One can easily loose limbs in the transfer of energy from one place to another; care is required when creating portals. The Philistines had heard of the mysterious Carrot People and their portals, and hoping to use this magic to their advantage in the region sent a small elite team of Philistine Mages to retrieve the information. When they arrived the normally peaceful Carrot People were easily conquered, and taken captive by the Philistines. However an Elder Carrot attempting to summon help for his people threw open a portal to the Underworld and summoned the demon rabbits just in time. The Rabbits were summoned the first Sunday after the first full moon after the spring equinox, or in other words Easter.

The Elder Carrot had saved his people but at a great cost. Summoning the Rabbits on a day when the moon was still so powerful in conjunction with the spring equinox caused the same portal to linger, and now every Easter to date, Portals all across the world are simultaneously opened. Many people refer to this phenomenon as the Easter Bunny. For many years the Carrot People were forced to sacrifice one of their own to the rabbits as tribute, or protection money. Until the Carrot People realized that the demon rabbits are easily tricked and replaced their sacrifice with hardboiled eggs instead. And Small Human Children...

Battle of the Hare Part 21

“We have no intentions of surrendering to the likes of you,” Yaga said. She seemed awfully determined. As for me, I had no idea how on earth we were going to get out of this one without turning into giant fleshy balloons.

Yaga pulled the backpack that she had filled up before we had left the cottage, opened up a pouch, and pulled out a long silvery wand. Apparently this wand wasn’t her most powerful wand, but it was still something that she could use to somehow focus the energy from one thing to another. I had the feeling that this Yaga was very experienced. Sir Champagne had referred to her as the famous Baba Yaga. I hadn’t ever heard that name before, but it sounded important. In any case, it meant that she was probably a very powerful witch.

“What do you plan to do with that?” Champagne scoffed. “You know that all cheeses from The Curds of Wrath are immune to all magic.”

She pointed her wand forward and there was a buzzing electrical sound, like that from a science fiction movie. A beam of concentrated energy flew from the wand striking the stump directly behind the startled Champagne. And almost instantly the stump of the tree began to writhe and move, its twisted roots popping up out of the soil to grab Champagne’s ankles and wrists. He could no longer throw the cheese.

“Impressive witch!” Champagne said sarcastically. “Manipulation of Energy is a very advanced skill.”

“What did you expect from someone who is about 900 years old?” Baba Yaga replied.

“But I bet that you weren’t expecting this.” Sir Champagne said, he snapped his fingers that weren’t occupied by holding the cheese, and we heard a loud crunching noise as something large and pink bounded out of the forest toward the clearing. It was strange, really, how the odd pink creature jumped like that, it was almost as if it were… “A Rabbit!” I cried in alarm.

Just millisecond later an enormous rabbit about the size of the entire chicken-legged cottage jumped out of the trees and immediately, with its large yellow fangs, ripped through the roots that bound Sir Champagne!

The rabbit, I noticed, smelled rank like sulfur; and its pink fur was matted and stained as if it had been bathed in blood. It had red glowing eyes that seemed to pierce our souls. It stared at us cruelly as it nibbled on Sir Champagne’s restraints.

“A Demon Rabbit from the Superior Realm!” Yaga yelled. “Run for it children we don’t stand a chance!”

To Be Continued…

The Return of Sir Champagne Part 20

His face was red and blistered from where the sizzling sausages had struck him in the face, like tiny meaty battering rams. The blemishes made him resemble a blushing toad more than anything else. He did not look happy, even though he maintained his air of nonchalance. Unfortunately, the spicy juices had not left him blind, as I had early speculated that they might.

With a flourish of his wrist he pulled out his long monocle on a stick and put it to his eye, so as to better look down his nose at us. “I see you’ve found an old friend of mine,” Sir Champagne said sarcastically gesturing toward Yaga with a flick of his monocle.

"Wait!" Chris interjected. "You mean to say that you two actually know each other?"

"I’m afraid that is indeed the case," Sir Champagne confirmed. "The famous Baba Yaga and I go back a long, long way, of course I can see that the years haven’t been kind to you my dear…" He remarked snidely. “I presume it’s accurate what they say: ‘vermin of a feather do indeed congregate mutually…’” (I didn’t like his rendition of the popular saying either.)

“That’s rich,” Yaga replied coolly. “For a man who has an affinity for hanging around deranged delusional clowns, is it not Champagne?”

Champagne sniffed disdainfully and ignored Yaga’s bighting comment. “Surrender the brats over to me now,” He said smoothly. “And I will let you go free old hag.”

Yaga chuckled, a deep sort of challenging chuckle, like a cross between a naked mole rat and hyena. “And just what do you think to do to me, you little half-brained twit. Sing at me? You know that your talent will not work against my magic.”

Sir Champagne smiled a little half smile. The kind of smile that left me with an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach that gave me the impression that Sir Champagne was about to pull a nasty card out of his sleeve, the likes we knew nothing about.

Yaga’s lower lip pulled downward into a slight frown. She seemed unsure.

She took a step forward. But as she did Sir Champagne reached into his pocket with another impeccable handkerchief and pulled out of the depths of his long tailed, suit coat a lump of something mysterious, fuzzy, and dark orange in color. The soft lump began crumbling in his hand even as he held it. I didn’t know what it was until I smelled the horrible stench that emanated from it. It was another cheese!

I covered my nose and mouth with the inside of my shirt. The smell of the cheese was so potent that it almost made me faint on the spot luckily though I kept my scenes, and was able breath more through my nose. I saw Chris next to me also struggling for breath before she too, sputtering and choking, followed my example and pulled her shirt up over her nose and mouth.

Yaga didn’t seem to have any problem with the cheese in the least. She breathed deeply as if probing the air. “Ahhhh, Bloatanagousnastifungopolis,” Yaga said, apparently identifying the moldy orange fuzz sprouting out of the rancid cheese. “Another excellent specimen from The Curds of Wrath. Tell me how did El Stinko manage to travel to the Superior Realm and back again and maintain what little sanity he has remaining.”

“I’m afraid that would be confidential.” Champagne said covering his own mouth with a separate lacey handkerchief. “You may find out of course if you ask Lord El Stinko himself when you go to visit him, willingly, as my prisoners. I do hope you come willingly, corpses you see can’t ask questions.” Champagne glanced at us and back at Yaga. “You know what this cheese can ensure, so I’m warning you, surrender now, you don’t stand a chance.”

“What will it do?” I asked nervously.

“Bloatanagousnastifungopolis, is a nasty fungus that has the property of making whatever it touches expand to incredible sizes, and fill with helium gas, which then causes the victim to float into outer space.” Yaga said all of this in a matter of fact sort of tone. A tone that didn’t, I felt, portray accurately the seriousness of our predicament. All Champagne would have to do was through the crumbly cheese and all of the tiny curdled missiles would pelt us like putrid hail, we would be toast for sure. Or rather, giant fleshy balloons. Take your pick.

To Be Continued…

Giant Bunny Demon, Monkeys, and Nakedyenas Diary of Lord El Stinko

Today was a very fruitful day. Today we finally were able to upset the environment even more by feeding baby birds cheese, cheese that was brought back from the underworld of course. It would have been very foolish of me—after having summoned that giant bunny demon from the superior realm and forcing it to retrieve the fungus—had I not picked up a greater variety of cheeses from the Curds of Wrath. Naturally it’s always good to have a backup plan, a backup plan that is not as good as the original, but still…

Needless to say, this cheese had some very unpleasant effects on the tiny bodies of our helpless victims. It was very rewarding to watch them swell up to the size of small watermelons! It was also very rewarding because this was the day I finally had the opportunity to see Eugene smile and he even chuckled a little bit. Eugene has not ever once smiled since the day he started working for me, or at least, ever since we put that monkey in the meat grinder. Eugene has a soft spot in his heart for monkeys. But we beat that right out of him, if he wants to work for me he needs to understand that monkeys are the superior chili meat, that’s all monkeys are good for, delicious meat. And shredding lettuce. And getting the lice out of your clown wigs. And… Well never mind.

Muah muah ha ha! Tomorrow we are working on something that will make things absolutely wretched for the naked mole rats of Africa! We are hoping that we will be able to bread them with hyenas and make a hideous Naked-yena. It’s all great fun messing with genetics, but you have to make sure that the DNA is clearly not identical in any way shape or form to make things a little challenging. My councilor always tells me that life without a challenge is boring. It’s really ironic though, because that was the time I had him locked in the dungeon because he had tried to escape. I feel grateful that I have such an incredible councilor as my prisoner—or rather, I mean captive audience.

Lord Cornelius Sebastian Augustus El Stinko the 3^rd

Retrieving the Golden Wand Part 19

“What’s that?” Chris said suddenly waking up from out of her deep crystal ball gazing.

“Yaga has agreed to help us.” I said cheerfully she’s going to take us to The Curds of Wrath so that we can destroy that cheese once and for all.

“Oh!” Chris said. “That’s great! I guess I missed out on more than I thought.”

“What did you see in the crystal ball?” I asked curiously.

“I can’t remember,” Chris said sadly gazing off into space. “You just made me forget with that exciting news…”

I rolled my eyes. “Alright then,” I said turning back to Yaga. “How do we start, and when do we get out of this forest.”

“We can begin as soon as I have my most powerful golden wand,” Yaga said grimly.

“Let me guess,” I said. “Mr. Thumb has your most powerful wand?”

“Yes,” she replied blatantly.

Of course, I thought. It just so happens that the one time when Mr. Thumb can actually be useful to us we ‘vanish’ him to some unknown location on the globe.

“We don’t know where he is.” I said sadly.

“Well then we best get looking for him then.” Yaga said. She walked over to a small closet and pulled out a small leather backpack. “This has everything that we are likely to need on our journey,” she said. “And I suppose that I can finish your training on the way. I might be a magic user but I do know a thing or two about talents. More than that idiot Mr. thumb at least.”

“How did you learn so many things?” I asked her.

“Well, over the millennia you pick up on some things,” She said. “Talents are a particular fascination for me, because they are so rare and most of them are new originating somewhere around the 1990’s. I have an obsession, you see, for things that I don’t know nearly enough about.”

The sun had already risen, we hadn’t slept at all that night but for some reason we didn’t feel at all tired. It must have been that strange blue rose petal tea, I thought. I also felt more optimistic about life in general. I didn’t know what was going to happen to us on our journey but it just felt as if we were now on the right track.

We stepped out of the doorway and into the sunlight and began to walk toward the trees. But as we did, I noticed a figure leaning against a tree stub filing his already perfect gleaming nails.

“It’s about time you egressed from your shanty,” Sir Champagne said in his lilting voice.

To Be Continued…