Help me sell 20,000,000 Cabbages

Dear Readers:

I am pleased to inform you that my family and friends were able to deliver the 2,006,004 dollars; 3,267 packages of Italian sausages; and the 52 Kirby vacuum cleans demanded by Lord El Stinko. Unfortunately, however, our family fortune is now depleted.

I will not talk about the mortal wounds inflicted upon me, the hours of senseless violence I had to endure, nor all of the smell cheeses I was forced to sample. For I am more concerned now with the horrendous financial burden that my family was forced to undergo for my sake. I should never have been so careless; I should have known that Lord El Stinko would be coming after me, the author of truth in a dark and ignorant world.

I told my story to the police you see, but they didn’t believe that I had been captured despite my wounds. Wishing for somebody to believe my wild story, I happened upon a wealthy cabbage merchant from Bermuda. He was—to my everlasting gratefulness—willing to compensate my losses in the form of cabbages. This is where I need your help dear readers!!! No, I don’t want you to buy the cabbages that would be a horrible task to ask of you indeed.

Do you remember those incredibly annoying messages that you receive on Facebook claiming that for every person who joins a certain cause—supporting some orphaned princess trying to return to her homeland—one dollar will be donated to the cause? Well don’t ask me how it works, but illogically and inexplicably somehow money appears out of nowhere. Well I need you to do something similar, and just as illogical. For every time you push the +google button on this post, or share this message with your friends, I will inexplicable be able to sell all 20,000,000 of the cabbages, thus regaining back my family fortune!!! Brilliant!!!

Thank you so much for bearing with my insanity. Remember you’re my only hope…

Cordially,

Silver Quill

Ransom Note from the Not So Sincere Lord El Stinko

Dearest Victims: 

The following is a Ransom note from your beloved Lord El Stinko... I hope you like the artistic way it was written.

If you ever want to see your dear editor, Silver Quill, again please promptly send 2,006,004 dollars, 3267 packages of Italian sausages, and 52 Kirby vacuum cleaners, to the Wendy’s in Omaha, Nebraska, come alone. If you attempt to contact law enforcement we shall know. You have five hours to respond, by telegraph if you wish, or you can simply meet us at the before mentioned Wendy’s in Nebraska. Considering the fact that there are very few operational telegraph offices opened in the United States, I strongly suggest just getting it over with, instead of trying to contact us by telegraph. In fact it would just be better for you to forget that I ever made such a suggestion. 

Birds are rather interesting creatures in that the fact when they are captured they try to escape, but the more they struggle against the bars of the cage they only injure themselves more in the process. You had better hurry for the more you wait the closer your friend approaches death.

Not So Sincerely Yours,

Lord El Stinko 

PS. Bring sunscreen the weather during this time of year in Nebraska can be rather stunning and garish, surprisingly.

Transcribed by Maurice

Silver Lining: Diary of Lord El Stinko

Dear Diary:

I was ill these last few days which made being evil and vile a little difficult. Well, actually, I take that back it was harder to be evil, but not necessarily vile. I still vomited all over some people and gave them my highly contagious delightful disease. And if we’re lucky my tapeworms as well!

I also sent a special little package to my mother this week. Won’t she be surprised when she opens it up to find that delicious banana cream pie, little does she know that it’s actually infested with this horrible stomach flu, because I made it myself while I was still sick! Last time the old bat got suspicious when she found that brown box I left her on the front porch with wires poking out of it. She got lucky I guess and called the bomb squad. This time though I shall succeed… Her immune system is weakened in her old age, and I know that she won’t be able to resist the creamy banana goodness within. Her body will be compromised by thousands of tiny microbes, which may just, we can only hope, rid us of the surplus population—if you catch my drift.

You know, you really get to understand who your loyal henchmen are when the mastermind of the operation is sick. The henchmen who really care bring you chicken noodle soup, and read to you at your bedside, and clean the vomit bowl after its been used. I think Eugene is due for a raise. His progress in the last few days has been very impressive, he has pretty much taken control of the situation while I’ve been ill, and he’s been doing a very good job at it. Who knew that he had so much evil potential locked away inside of him? Not only that but he did clean the vomit bowl…

All of this time in bed has given me a lot of time to think, and I’ve been considering going more into the theater. It was my childhood fantasy to one day be a famous actor. So I think I’ll start with something small and work my up. I haven’t quite figured out what I will be doing yet. It has to be something good. Probably involving the destruction of small cute animals…

Although dark clouds of darkness, caused by this horrible illness, have shrouded my life it just goes to show you that my councilor was right: there is a silver lining around every cloud.

Lord Cornelius Sebastian Augustus El Stinko III

The Enchanted Hair Brush Part 22

I thought that after we had discovered that odd magical cottage in the forest, that things from then on out would be different… However, here were once again running through the forest, this I believe is becoming a reoccurring theme for our group. And this time we were with the brave responsible adult who was trying to help us get to the Superior Realm, turns out that you don’t stop being afraid when you get older. You especially don’t stop being afraid of giant Demon Bunnies from the Underworld. Sir Champagne and the Giant Demon Rabbit were following close behind us. Sir Champagne was riding on the back of the giant beastly creature.

“Where did that thing come from?!” Chris shrieked.

“It’s a renowned Demon Rabbit from the Superior Realm! How could I have been so foolish,” Yaga chided herself. “I should have known that, that was how Lord El Stinko was getting the cheese out of the Underworld. He’s using the rabbit to run errands for him on the other side! It’s brilliant really, for an insane clown. El Stinko must have summoned him somehow.”

We continued to run but as we did I knew that it was hopeless, the rabbit was going to catch us for sure. “We’re done for,” I said in despair looking over my shoulder. The rabbit didn’t even seem to be trying anymore, it was so fast on its hug fuzzy feet, and we were so small compared to it that it wasn’t even a fair contest really.

“I have a few tricks up my sleeve yet!” Yaga cried. Even as she spoke she had one hand inside another pouch in her backpack, she was fishing around for something. I hoped it was a giant bear trap that we could throw behind us and hope that it would take down the rabbit. Of course we would probably need something a little more potent than a bear trap—probably more like an elephant gun.

Finally, Yaga found exactly what it was that she was looking for. “Ah ha!” She cried in triumph. I looked over to where she was running by my side. She had a wooden hair brush in her hand.

“Ah, no offense, but now isn’t exactly the time to be brushing our hair!” I shouted. “I don’t think that the Demon Rabbit will appreciate it much if we brush its fur either.”

“Silly boy, this is no ordinary hair brush.”

I waited for a further explanation but as we ran she simply threw the brush over her shoulder. Nothing happened at first, but then I heard Sir Champagne give a shriek of rage like a little girl having a tantrum. I looked over my shoulder to see the rabbit suddenly increase its speed as if its victims were going to escape. But, it was too late, the brush suddenly erupted! Each of the tiny bristles in the head of the brush began shooting upward toward the heavens, and suddenly widening and sprouting bark.

 “Trees?” I asked. The trees grew so rapidly that the pink rabbit didn’t have time to jump over them before they were too tall. And they were so thick that he wouldn’t be able to gnaw his way through either with his yellow fangs. The line of trees was so long that they extended for as far as I could see in either direction behind us, as well.

“Amazing!” I said.

“Isn’t though.” Yaga replied. “I’ve been saving up the energy from trees for so long inside of that brush, I never thought that I would have to use it so soon though, she said. Magic really is quite incredible.” Yaga smiled mischievously.

To Be Continued…