Dear Diary:
I was ill these last few days which made being evil and vile
a little difficult. Well, actually, I take that back it was harder to be evil,
but not necessarily vile. I still vomited all over some people and gave them my
highly contagious delightful disease. And if we’re lucky my tapeworms as well!
I also sent a special little package to my mother this week.
Won’t she be surprised when she opens it up to find that delicious banana cream
pie, little does she know that it’s actually infested with this horrible
stomach flu, because I made it myself while I was still sick! Last time the old
bat got suspicious when she found that brown box I left her on the front porch
with wires poking out of it. She got lucky I guess and called the bomb squad.
This time though I shall succeed… Her immune system is weakened in her old age,
and I know that she won’t be able to resist the creamy banana goodness within.
Her body will be compromised by thousands of tiny microbes, which may just, we
can only hope, rid us of the surplus population—if you catch my drift.
You know, you really get to understand who your loyal
henchmen are when the mastermind of the operation is sick. The henchmen who
really care bring you chicken noodle soup, and read to you at your bedside, and
clean the vomit bowl after its been used. I think Eugene is due for a raise.
His progress in the last few days has been very impressive, he has pretty much
taken control of the situation while I’ve been ill, and he’s been doing a very good
job at it. Who knew that he had so much evil potential locked away inside of him?
Not only that but he did clean the vomit bowl…
All of this time in bed has given me a lot of time to think,
and I’ve been considering going more into the theater. It was my childhood
fantasy to one day be a famous actor. So I think I’ll start with something
small and work my up. I haven’t quite figured out what I will be doing yet. It
has to be something good. Probably involving the destruction of small cute
animals…
Although dark clouds of darkness, caused by this horrible
illness, have shrouded my life it just goes to show you that my councilor was
right: there is a silver lining around every cloud.
Lord Cornelius Sebastian Augustus El Stinko III
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