Curses, I Hate Squirrels!!! Adventures of Mr. Thumb

The following is the cell phone conversation that Mr. Thumb had while hanging in a tree somewhere in the middle of a forest:

Mr. Thumb: Привет привет ... Мне нужна помощь у меня есть белки в штаны!

911 Operator: I’m sorry sir, we don’t speak Russian can you speak English?

Mr. Thumb: Thank the goddess of pottery!!! I thought that I had been transported out of the United States into the Chernyayevsky Forest in the middle of Russia! You know, I was sort of hoping that I had ended up in Russia, and then I would have been able to finally use my ability to speak Russian. Goddesses bless my father, he was a fragile man, he was a gnome after all! Well of course, I still really don’t know where I am. Where am I exactly?

Operator: Well according to your cell phone signature, you are located in Yellowstone National Park.

Mr. Thumb: That certainly would explain the sulfuric smells in the air. I thought it was just because I had eaten a lot of beans lately, if you know what I mean.

Operator: I’m sorry sir, but this is an emergency line. Are you in any real danger at the moment?

Mr. Thumb: I have a question for you. If a man falls from a tree, and there’s no one around to hear it, does the man really fall from the tree?

Operator: I’m afraid that he would indeed fall from the tree.

Mr. Thumb: Well then yes I think I’m in serious trouble! You see a few hours ago I was trying to train my Padawi, to be able to use their awesome powers, and I wasn’t doing a very good job of it admittedly, but then, my pupil got a little upset and it seems that he was able to use his secondary power to transport me to the top of a 100 foot pine tree in the middle of Yellowstone National Park. Right now I have squirrels trying to build a nest in my pants and they are really quite relentless buggers…! [Squealing]

Operator: Wow, ok sir just calm down. You mean to tell me that you are up in a 100 foot tree?

Mr. Thumb: Yes unfortunately that is the case. And I can’t seem to get down. My arms are getting just a little sore from hanging on for dear life. And fighting off those pesky squirrels! Yes I did just call you pesky…. Don’t you look at me that way…

Squirrel: [Chattering]

Operator: Okay sir, just keep holding on to that tree. I’ve already sent help your way, and I’m going to stay on the line to keep talking with you alright?

Mr. Thumb: [Sobbing] Thank you Judi, your name is Judi right. You sound like a Judi. You are probably the nicest person I’ve ever spoken with over the phone, hanging to a tree in the middle of Yellowstone. Much nicer than the squirrels, all they want to talk about is different kinds of nuts. Boy if I ever get out of this alive I will never eat another walnut for as long as I live. Проклятия, я ненавижу белки!