Lord El Stinko's Diary: My True Family

Dear Diary:

Being an evil genius is very difficult sometimes. Today I yelled at no less than five subordinates because they had clogged the toilets with provolone cheese. I know I shouldn’t have lost my temper like that. Looking back on it I suppose it was a good thing that they clogged the toilets; it was a creative way of using cheese to do evil. I guess I was just a little bit irritated because I wanted to have a delicious pizza. My minions know how ornery I can get it I don’t have the proper cheese for my pizza. You see I have a great responsibility as the leader of this crew, they all look up to me as a paternal figure, and I must do the best I can to train them in the ways of wickedness.

Admittedly, I’ve been rather grumpy lately after that incident with those horrid brats and their giantess. Of course, we’ve been looking for them everywhere; their whereabouts have eluded us day after day. That fungus was irreplaceable. It will take me another 10 years to create another cheese as perfectly infectious as that. I must find that cheese…

My mother called last night. It just reinforced the feelings of hatred I feel for my family. She made sure to remind me how I had disappointed her and the entire family and that my very existence was a disgrace and a blemish on the family name. She never forgave me after I flunked clown school. After that conversation I had to lock myself in my closet for a little bit to regain my sanity. You know how our conversations always turn toxic in the end. I just have to remember what my councilor told me: I am special, it doesn’t matter what other people think of me as long as I know who I am and what my life’s journey is.

Maurice did a good job today at finally getting the Nuclear Detonator fixed on the doomsday machine and blew the heads off of all those silly penguins! It was quite the experience; I was beginning to reconsider the wisdom in letting Maurice handle this job after his abject failure handling the Septic Turnip Soup Job. But after today he was finally able to earn back respect and honor from the rest of the crew. It did my heart good to see the joy on Maurice’s face as all the other members of the crew lifted him up on their shoulders and cheered. Hurrah Maurice!

I don’t care what my mother says, I love what I do. 

This crew is my true family...

Lord Cornelius Sebastian Augustus El Stinko III


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